Green Tea – Political Satire

Vote for Green Tea

Submitted by a Ukraine Today reader
April 22, 2007

I like tea. Green tea. I hate you coffee drinkers. Always on and on about your damned coffee. Shut up! When I am in a cafe with one of you, and you order coffee, I always cancel your order. I make you drink green tea. My dream is to be King of some tin-pot wannabe ex-Soviet regime. I would get even with you coffee drinkers. I would start a green tea revolution! Mind you, I’m not a native speaker of any local dialectal mutations of the Russian language, but I understand that’s not a prerequisite. I could pretend. And I’m not very bright. But I understand that’s not a problem either. I like America. I do have a lot of experience pushing buttons on the machines down at the brickworks. That would be much the same as pushing the buttons on the money-printing machines over at the central bank, wouldn’t it?

As King, I would unite all us green tea drinkers, and all you coffee drinkers, by making everyone drink green tea! This national unity compromise stuff is really easy! And while I’m on the subject, you cocoa drinkers and black tea drinkers out there don’t get too smug, because you will be getting green tea shoved down your throats as well. In all the schools, universities, public places, and hallowed halls of government. Even if you gag on it. I do like to drink coffee at home, of course, and when I am away and no-one is watching. I grew up drinking coffee. I’m not a native green tea drinker. But it’s a matter of principle. Some people call me pragmatic, but I don’t know what that means. I just know I do have to do something to show everyone the big chip on my shoulder (it’s the box full of green teabags!). If I were a public coffee drinker, I would not be able to push the green tea trolley, would I? Did I mention how much I like America? And the EU. All gravy trains, in fact. I would follow America to the depths of the North Atlantic. Like the Titanic.

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